While expected and unexpected life experiences place financial and other demands on us, shifting our perspective to focus on what you can control can provide clarity and propel us to action. Let’s talk about control. Specifically, why understanding what you do and don’t control is key to improving your (financial) life.
2023 was what I’d call a beautiful mess. A year full of intense highs and lows, which served as a constant reminder to focus on what I can control and learn to accept what I can’t.
The highs were many, including getting married, presenting at two conferences on problem gambling, and lots of amazing travel.
But there were also plenty of moments that made me question if I had somehow pissed off the universe. Beyond the expected, yet fatiguing stressors from wedding planning, it was one catastrophe after the next. There were home-related catastrophes and freak occurrences, like when a tree was struck by lightning and fell on our house. But also credit card theft, family emergencies, and weeks on end where it seemed we (and our wallets) just couldn’t catch a break.
And while financially I could absorb each 2023 annoyance, no amount of money could have prepared me for the pain I’d experience when I lost my friend (and bandmate) to cancer.
2023 was a beautiful mess.
Identify and Separate
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.
Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5
I love this thought by the Stoic philosopher Epictetus. In fact, it has quickly become the lens in which I view the world.
With every situation in life, it’s up to you to know and understand what is, and what isn’t within your control. Perception, discernment, and acceptance makes all the difference. Thousands of years after Epictetus, theologian Reinhold Niebuhr would eloquently capture similar thoughts when composing the Serenity Prayer.
Apply This to Your (Financial) Life
This approach of identifying and separating can be applied to every aspect of your life. And while I’d love to walk through every application, let’s stick to your financial life.
As Epictetus said, you have to identify and separate matters into two main categories:
- Choices you actually control
- Externals not under your control
It may not always feel like it, but you actually have a LOT of control in your financial life. Every dollar you encounter presents a choice:
Where you earn money: Unless your current employer is holding you hostage (if so, blink twice), you can choose where you work. That means if you aren’t currently satisfied with your employer, you can initiate a change of employment whenever you want. Could change be challenging depending on your field? Potentially. Does change take time and require a clear plan to make it happen? Usually. But are you in control of where you work? Absolutely. If this resonates with you, set the intention, and start crafting the plan. You have options.
How much money you earn: The topic of income is a nuanced one. On one hand, if you work a traditional “9 to 5”, you likely can’t dictate your wage and/or salary in any given pay period. (Even if you request a raise.) But that doesn’t mean your total income is capped. You can always choose to seek additional sources of income, take on a part-time job, sell stuff you no longer need/want, and/or invest in opportunities that may result in future returns. And while there are certainly risks and tradeoffs with each decision, these are all choices you can make.
How you spend money: In over 15 years of helping a variety of people with money, I’ve yet to encounter someone that didn’t spend frivolously in at least one area. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s not causing you financial harm. Just keep in mind that every spending decision is ultimately a choice. Yes, you need food, shelter, basic clothes on your back, and heat in your home. But how you satisfy those needs, and everything you spend on beyond your basic needs is a choice. (Just make sure the choices are in alignment with your values and goals.)
Your source(s) of income and spending behaviors are key areas of your financial life you have the most control over.
Yet, we often distract and overly concern ourselves with external matters beyond our direct influence, like inflation rates, economic disparities, and the stock market.
Are those subjects important and warrant a thoughtful response? Of course. Just like it’s important to appropriately respond when a tree surprises the hell out of you and falls on your house.
But it’s really hard to take action if you continue to dwell on how unfair life is.
Avoid the Trap of Rumination
The mistake people often make when trying to improve their finances is ruminating over what they can’t control, and neglecting what they can control.
And I get it…it’s easy to fall into this trap. Remaining in a place of perceived helplessness is easier than exerting effort to change your life. Btw, no shade intended when I say that. I’m also occasionally guilty of this. Which is why I want both of us to stop self-sabotaging our growth.
When you take a look at your life and start identifying the areas you have control, you gain clarity on your next steps.
Take stock of the choices and decision points you have control over in your life and accept that misfortune may still occur. Life isn’t always fair, “shit happens”, and occasionally, a tree will fall on your path.
Allow yourself to be irritated for a bit, organize your thoughts, clear the path, and then keep pressing forward.
Remember: this is your chief task in life.
-Ambus
I originally wrote this for my monthly-ish email newsletter, Mindful in Money. I don’t always get around to publishing blog posts like the one you just read, so if you want regular musings from me, sign up for my newsletter! No spam, no nonsense, just my occasional thoughts on money, overcoming challenges, and the power of consistency.